She-Devils on Wheels

Worst. Movie. Ever.

So, I checked the Starz movies that are streaming on Netflix to see if I had any that I needed to watch before Netflix loses the rights to them tomorrow. There were a few I was sad to see go, but I can always get them on disc (like Ashes of Time Redux). No biggie. Anyway, She-Devils on Wheels has been in my queue for over a year and with two days left I decided to watch it at lunchtime with Bandit here at work.

The production values on this movie are so bad they make Plan 9 From Outer Space look like Terminator 2 in comparison.

It's hard to pick a worst movie ever. But in a pinch I'm gonna have to go with this one. It had everything wrong with it. We've already established that late 60's biker flicks don't generally have the best actors around. That's a given, but this all girl cast of "Man Eaters" were the worst of the worst. They were either stiff as a board, or bordering on acting in a children's pantomime (Is there an American equivalent of a pantomime? It'd be like if you were acting on stage with Gumby or Barney or something). Anyway, these chicks were awful. What I find slightly hard to believe is that these chicks were mostly real bikers. I've read that in a couple places. It's clearly obvious they're not actors, but for bikers they don't really know how to handle their bikes. I need to re-read the entry in my "Big Book of Biker Flicks" to see what else it says about this movie.

Regardless, the men weren't much better. But it wasn't just the rotten acting that made this possibly the worst film ever made. The opening credits sucked, the music was disjointed and inconsistent, the plot was paper thin, the theme was generic and uninspired, the audio was shitty, the continuity errors were so vast that if you entered them on imdb you'd probably crash their server, the dialogue was beyond juvenile, the effects were atrocious, the editing was crap, and the worst violation of all was the unbelievably poor camerawork. Holy fuck, I've never seen a motion picture with such lousy camerawork. Apart from being poorly edited and having no artistic vision, the technical operation of the camera was ghastly. Panning was never smooth. Focus was out. I think they might have had one camera to shoot the whole film with. And whoever operated it clearly hadn't peered through a viewfinder before. People can make far more sophisticated and artistic movies on their iPhones in a day than these guys pulled off with this movie.

As for the audio, I think they had one boom mic for the whole movie and the direction was to pretty much yell so you could be heard. There was a particularly funny scene when the chick clearly turns off her bike but the audio dub of the motor is still running loud as ever.

Anyway, the film is about a gang of motorcycle chicks who race each other to determine the order in which they choose their "stud". Essentially, they go over to a club house with a bunch of pansy ass dudes and choose who they want to bang. And by bang I mean just roll around fully clothed on the ground cuz it's a PG flick from 1968. The orgy scenes leave much to be desired. They do this a couple times. They get in some hassle with some dudes in cars. They beat up one of their dudes, they beat up one of the chicks, and then the chicks exact a cunning revenge and get all giggly when they kill someone. There's an obligatory "drag someone from the bike" scene, too. The plot sucks. The chicks are ruthless. The men are wimps. But this one Richie Cunningham looking dude has a sweet 'vette.

I can't believe I'm writing this much about such a bad movie. Needless to say, I don't recommend this. But in a bizarro way it actually kept me entertained for the last two lunch hours...

Stunning effects. I almost thought it was a snuff film. Yup.